free flow writing- disconnect‏

I need to disconnect from : My MIND-Spin.....Every mind fu@k that has been chattering inside and outside my head.... ( shut-up assholes).......My train tracks....every trax leads to the main one ....( I want on the crazy express quick)......My memory...always negative choking out the positive .....( I need more positive).....My environment... Asylum Is my home....My panic...Nothing changes. I have tried ~!...( you can't change the evil world)...My fear....ENOUGH...I can't take more...don't you get it.. I need privacy, space...leave me alone..My distrust (mistrust)....OH YOU KNOW WHY.......My loss...OH YOU KNOW WHY....My pain...every single f@ckin time...every time...f@ck you..enuff I can't ..WHAT ................I'm numb for now...leave me alone..................
My urge to keep spinning too close to the edge..... ( WHat's the mater WoRlD you don't think I can FloAt) ha ha ha~ ..........QUICK Blasphemy ...-n- BAM...what...I yell at God I yelled..." You know me you know .....my soul ,
You know what makes me move,
You know what I am about,
You seem to know it all,
You don't listen, ...
You send the transparent carrot... in front of my cart
everyone can view ...
You wanna pull it ?
You wanna answer me?
Do you really see me,
feel me,
listen to me ?
Answer me and send me a sign.
Talk to me.
I only ask for piece of mind...Peace of MIND.." AND BAM... I stop my rant. A night pass...I feel the same...........I grab my broken cd and walkman and head to the wine store.
I feel & fight my stress,strain,spin---please stop.
All I do is walk...............
...........forcefully walk cuz BODY does remember...
mind's yelling. people staring..
Fear starts when I go to a friendly source__
(fu#k me, you can't win...errrrrrrrrrrrrr..
I get into the store. have a chat, a laugh..(it's like as nothing has happened, is what they can see) Oh god I hope they don't see the stress-look) ......Then walk back into hell ... nothings stopping it. Not even my insane attempt to "amuse" myself with the annoyance of my broken cd...... Stopped into the bar ..bought 5 smokes for a buck. walked BACK INTO HELL...
UNTIL I hit the alleyway .............. 'SMACK'I'm listening to a song .
that's PLAYING FULLY through, .. The wind picks up, the lighting seem like a video...Every perfectly Nature - Rhythm to my soundtrax... Even when I sat down to "adjust" my mind...song still played through...the nature elements timed perfectly and one huge part of me was disconnected... And connected on a level (you shouldn't share unless you wanna be locked-up)

I've had my "video" moments in the past ...but not like that....(God or whatever is up there needs to workin on lightin'...LOL..) ... OH , ....OK SO... there we go. ......a connection that works. But ......DUH ...doh...Why DO I have to be reminded of " that" and still SPIN-TOSS-TURN-SPIN.............SO IT's STILL BACK TO..

Just fight

Just being me

Just feeling my Soul

surrounded by demons chewin and gnawing at it---

Just bare with it

Just fight back

Just share

Just reach out

Just keep fighting...

Can't settle...

Can't keep Still...

Can't get out what I want ....at this moment,

so get it out anyways.......

Don't let it rob me from the comforts I do get...

THEIR MINE...

Don't let'em steal the last part of my chacter.

.( that they want)...

(probly cuz they don't pay their cable bills...they like to view and vocalize....

They can't make me lose control..

I won't give into the BULLSHIT.I HAVE HAD ENUFF,

I WON'T GIVE IN.

I WON'T STOP. BEING ME..

.I won't stop that SPIN."

I sit

I wait

I listen,

Is it "me" I "hear"...

I know it's ME I feel underneath...

I lie down...

I spin-toss-turn...

Is it "me" that is f@cking Me..

IT's "me" I can fu@k underneath..

I sit-up

I spin,

I yell.."Leave me alone"I KNOW IT'S YOU

And the "me" that spins underneath

and underneath that's ME

....I stand-up..

I yell out....................

I feel my control from the ME that's within the underneath ..that doesn't spin....

I sit down---I stand up...I move out of my grave into the day..

.is it ME that's walking?

Cuz I'm spinning and the ME underneath is exhausted , numb and silent....

WAKE UP STOOPID...STOP THE SPIN...

Only angels dig deep

and awake apart of my Soul...that's left breathing....

apart of me I can't feel,

I can't reach,

Stop the spin----

stop the mind f@ck...

I can fu#king spin myself better If I wanted to.

STOP the SPIN..

Only Angels can numb my senses, shut out the wOrLd, ...

cradle what's left of apart of "me".

That's left of apart of ME....my Soul....So fu@kin stop the spin..............

Fine...fine. fine... I'll just use it as a WEAPON....ANGELS guide my SOUL..... photos by soda soule

and Karen Stever ones I messed with cuz she rocks and wanna say Thank U Karen for being cool...No one has ever came as far as you did...That I know...and still can kick-ass and be human ~! http://www.myspace.com/stevermusicrocks