What they did to My MIND~‏

WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY MIND~? A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH. I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

I KNOW HOW I AM UNDERNEATH THE DARKNESS~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH. I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

AT TIMES I THINK IT'S A GOOD THING THAT THEY CAN'T SEE ME IN HERE~ IT'S A GOOD PLACE TO HIDE AND HEAL...CREATE~N~BREATH~LAUGH AT THE INSAINTY~IMAGINE/PLAY~N~DREAM~ WHY CAN'T I CRAWL TO THE SURFACE COMPLETELY~?~ I KNOW WHAT STOPS ME ~ BUT I CAN'T MOVE PAST THAT BLOCK OF PAIN~FEAR~SPIN~IT IS MY MIND ~IT IS MY HELL~ I WANT OUT OF THE PAIN~FEAR~PANIC~EMBARRASSMENT~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

IT'S MY HELL~ PRIVATELY ~OR~SHARED~ALONE I STAY TRAPPED~ IT'S NOT LIKE I AM CONFUZED~ I AM JUST TRAPPED~ I KNOW WHERE I AM AT~ I HAVE A ROAD MAP~ A RAILROAD STATION GUIDE~ A YIELD~STOP~N~ A 4 WAY SIGN~...A DON'T RUN BY THE POOL SIGN......STILL I DO ~STILL I DON'T AND I FALL IN~N~ DROWN. THEN THEY COME BY AND HOLD ME UNDER~OUTTTA~SIGHT~ ....OUTTA SIGHT~N~ IN NO ELSE'S MIND~I AM LEFT THERE TOO TERRIFIED TO SUCK~OUT WHAT LITTLE OXYGEN I COULD GET FROM THE AIR BUBBLES~ I WATCH THEM FLOATING ON THE SURFACE~N~ I ENVY THE BUBBLES DANCING~FLOATING~ONE BREATH AT A TIME WITHOUT THE FEAR WHAT WILL HAPPEN AT THE END OF DANCING~N~FLOATING~SKIMMING THE SURFACE ~ A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

THE ONES THAT LOCK ME UP~SHUT ME UP ~ SHUT ME DOWN, MASK THEMSELVES WELL BEHIND THE TRUTH THEY WANT OTHERS TO SEE~ IF OTHERS SEEN THE MASK OF LIES THEY'D BE POWERLESS~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

THE FIGHT FOR LIFE HAS BEEN KILLIN` ME SLOWLY~ CUZ THEY WON'T LET ME LIVE~ FREEDOM~FREEDOM~FREEDOM~...IT'S LIKE I AM NOT ALLOWED~ JUST LOCK-UP THE CHILD~ LEAVE ME THERE STARVING~AFRAID~ALONE~AWAITING MORE DARKESS~LIGHT IS JUST MY IMAGINATION~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

BEAT DOWN MY GROWTH AS A YOUNG SOUL..BECUZ YOU HAVE NONE~ I SEE ALL IN THE DARK ~THEY KEEP BEATING DOWN BACK INTO THE DARKNESS ,SO THEY CAN KEEP THE OTHERS BLIND~ THEY THINK IF I REMAIN HERE I'LL LOSE MY SIGHT~ IT'S EAZIER THEN FOR THEM TO GET OTHERS TO SEE THINGS FROM THEIR TWISTED PERCEPTION IF I AM NOW BLIND TO IT TOO, OR NUMB TO THE POINT WERE I AGREE WITH THEM ~AGREE WITH THE DARKNESS~ FALL BACK ~N~ STAY IN THE HELL~ THEN THEY DON'T LOSE~ AND I WON'T HAVE ANY ADDED SUFFERING~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

AND THEN THERE IS A PLACE THAT CONSUMES ME... ITS THE DUMPING GROUND~THE DAMAGED PARTS THAT I HAVE BEEN GOOD TO REMIND MYSELF WHERE THEY ARE~ SO USE TO SORTED HATE FROM OTHERS~ WHY NOT AGREE FOR THE "TRIP~MOMENT" ~ WHY NOT HAVE SOME SELF SORTED HATE FOR THE TIME BEING~GOOD THING IT ONLY LASTS IN "TRIP~MOMENTS"~ TIME BEING~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

DARK REFECTION ~ REFLECTING DARK REFLECTION~ THEIR DARKNESS ~ REFLECTING MINE~ REFLECTING~ THIERS~........

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

AS A MATURE SOUL STILL THIRSTY FOR KNOWLEDGE AND LIFE~ I STRETCH OUT MY BROKEN WINGS ~N~GLIIDE THROUGH THE DARKNESS .....THEY ACT LIKE SNIPERS ... READY TO PULL THE TRIGGER

IF I GLIDE PAST THEIR WATCH TOWERS~

WITH EVERY AIM ...THEY'RE

HOPING........WAITING.....WATCHING....MAKING THERE STAND IN THE SHADOWS ~ JUST BEYOND THE DARK~ OTHERS CAN'T SEE THEM~ OTHERS CAN'T SEE THE SHADE DIFFERENCE~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

BALANCE~BALANCE WITH JUSTICE~LIGHT~...LIFE WITH THE TRUTH~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

BALANCE~N~EQUAL OF WHAT I GIVE OUT~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STIL ~

I TIP THE SCALE TO LIGHT~WHILE I TRY TO BALANCE IN THE DARK~ I GIVE OUT LIGHT~ I GIVE OUT LIGHT~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~I HAVE

A VOICE DOWN HERE IN THE PIT OF DESPAIR~DARKNESS~ I HAVE MANY VOICES~ ONLY ONE OF THE VOICE SPEAK WHEN THEIR AROUND~ THE ONE THAT BATTLES THE MIX~N~BALANCE OF RAGE~N`LOTHE, RAGE~N~TRUTH, RAGE~N BALANCE BACK TO CLEARING A PATH.......WHERE IS THE LOVE~WHERE IS THE LIGHT~ ITS MIXED WITH RAGE~
A STORM IS COMING~..

..SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

I AM WITHIN MY DARKNESS~ALONE IMAGINING LIGHT TILL THE IMAGE CONSUMES ME~SURROUNDS~ UNTIL ITS NOT IMAGINED ANYMORE~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

I HOLD ON TO THE LIGHT , AS I FEED~BATHE~SLEEP~CREATE~SLEEP~AWAIT~AWAKE~CONNECT~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

I WANT OUTTA THIS HELL~OUTTA DARK~ INTO THE LIGHT ~ OUT INTO THE WORLD OUTSIDE THIS HELL~ THIS DARKNESS~THIS DARKESS I WAS BORN INTO~ THIS DARKNESS THAT I HAVE NOT MADE~ ...THIS DARKNESS I HAVE MADE .... SOON TO MAKE~ THE FEAR OF THAT, CONSUMES ME~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL~

I AM NOT THEIR DARK~ I AM NOT MY DARKNESS~ IT JUST SURROUNDS ME~ IT'S JUST APART OF ME~ I AM WHO I CHOSE TO BE~ I FIGHT TO REMAIN WHO I AM AWAY FROM THE DARKNESS~ I HAVE HIDDEN THERE OUTTA FEAR OF JUDGEMENT~ DOUBT~ PARALYZED BY THEIR HATE~THEIR EVIL~THEIR GAMES~ THEIR WAR ~ THEY WANT TO FIGHT~ IT'S NOT MY WAR I MADE~ MY WAR IS TO WIN THIS BATTLE, I WAS BORN INTO AND NOT BY CHOICE~ I WILL WIN~ I AM IN MY DARKNESS SMILING~ LURKING~ STARVING~WATCHING~ WAITING~

A STORM IS COMING~....SETTLIN` IN IS A LAUGH..I HAVE NEVER BEEN STILL JUNE 24 2:24 A.M. 2010 SODA SOULE

Missing Dinner~

In my updates online I said "someone stole my dinner outta my apartment Fu@kin lol... My neirbor gave me a spaghetti dinner, So I brought it home...now it's gone and NO my animals did NOT eat it...Someone took it...Mother Fuckers...then later my update was..." Ok laugh I did, BUT it's still not funny! Someone DID come into my place. I found the meals on wheels dinner contain in BRAN NEW condition, no bite marks no tears,NO FOOD,For the full story without an answer u can read my blog LOL...... went for a walk up my street to clear my head and hoped to bump into someone I could chat with (in person is what I needed)..well some of my neirborhood friends we about...but I ended up talking to this musician guy I only met once before...I asked him how life was treating him...then he asked me and I told him if I told ya that you'd think I should be medicated and in a rubber room...But he said go ahead so I told him...9 yrs livin here I have been a target...ect ..The blog begins.... Yesterday my friend and neirbor(who suffers from par-kan-sens dease (sorry my spelling sucks today. I am so exhausted) who I help out gave me her meals on wheels spaghetti dinner...cuz she hates it, and knows I like spaghetti lol...I made her lunch and brought my dinner over to my place...I placed it between the records and upside down dish rack as you can see in the photos, I went back over to her place for tea, then help-out with clean/pack up at the food bank, dropped off a box of food at a friend's home...then I dropped snack food off at the Shelter .. Then came home...I still wasn't hungry. So I gotta online and sent out some love and chatted, joked around...Finally I got hungry. I walk over to where I place it you can see in the photo..(front door closet areaa I have a old sink ful of odds and ends...then there's the upside down dish rack...I placed meal there...place records on top~!)..It was gone~! The box on top of the records wasn't moved...the records were not moved...there was no sauce drops any where...The dogs where in the kitchen the whole time (cuz animal control was to show up to view them and I didn't want them running around and gettin into anythin or making a mess ..I wanted them to be settled with their snacks and toys till it was over...no mess no worry. right?~!) As you can see in the photo there is a bar that is place between the door and wall. It was up all afternoon/evening..everytime I came in to say hello and see if they needed anything it was still up...I look at the bar area front side...see in the photo things are pile up...and from the kitchen side see in the photo...my dogs couldn't have gone thought there without knocking something over, and there is no sauce or spagettie bits or stains anywhere... A friend called me to chat...I told her what happen...she got up set with me...she said things ALWAYS happen to me...(yes they do, but I am not crazy, I am a target, soon I mite go crazy lol) She yelled at me cuz I don't have money to get recording equipment right now.....Fuck me. I need to eat,pay bills and yes I NEED MUSIC/movies/art supplies so I don't go CRAZY. I have placed alttle aside each month and it's a slow go when your broke.( I am almost outta debt, so I won't be broke forever ) Anyways as I was talking to her I was in the kicten ..I happened to look down and see the lid peeking out from under the kicten cabinet, I reached under and the was the food container...NO BITE MARKS, NO TEARS, NO FOOD.....It was in the "new condition" ...You TELL ME if they did ..I didn't think So...Two mistakes I made...I left my door unlocked for about 5 min...and my balncany door was open all day...Dumb ass me...but I needed the balcony door open to air out my place.....I never told my friend I found the container...She just wouldn't believe me. or she'd just say something like I am just fucked or something...I AM NOT I timeline everything...I FEEL inside that someone was in here again..And That guy I talked to agreed.. . I have a list of this.....I shared and am sharing with some friends who care about me...The list has everything on it that has happens to me over the 9 yrs I live here...I will share a few openly here 1. Pee poured outside my door 2. door knob fucked with 3.door knob fucked with again till it fell off 4.dog lead handel dethreaded and placed back where I put it that lead was in new contion , my good friend gave it to me, cuz I was worried about mine~5. persoan pappers moved from one spot to another..6. ear drop meds in my dogs ears...I did't do that..They were being treated with dewormer...and ya don't mix the two..7.for a year and a half three of the neirbors let their dogs charge at Bella and I asked them polity not to let that happen becuz Bella was wintess to her companion Bowzer (my old dog r.ip) hget attacked by a dog..Bella was just about to be attacked when Bowzer step in front of her..Ever since then I have been working on her fear of dogs.. 8.door was craked down the middle and lock was loose...It gets worse and crazyer and harder to explain, I have been complained about, talked about and lied about, and some have exssatated shit... Yes I have had mess here ..but I have cleaned them up, Yes I have played loud music, but now have earphones...and thank God for that ..cuz I can't stand the fucking mind fuck chattering... (as I type my neirbor is out there on her balcony complain and sweeping that it smells like dog out there... I went out and said "hello...it doesn't smell like dog pee on my side."..WE LIVE AT THE GARBAGE SIDE of the building and spring till end of fall all you can smell is garbage) Yes when my dogs were out there on the balcony there was an accident, and the planter soil got knocked over, one tiny piece of poop rolled on to her side...I CLEANED IT UP...But no piss was leaking over or leaking off....They animals where out there becuz I had construction workers in and out and all my shit was pile up in the living room on top of my kicten/livin room stuff mixed with things that my friend who past away family gave me. I Had no working kitchen for 6 yrs...so I had to put that some was and sine they were working IN my kicten I had to put my little ones somewhere safe. YOU CAN SEE IN PHOTO stuff piled up.. That's why. Someone called Animal Control and said I was abusing my animals and had them living on the balcony...Now I have to wait and wait for Animal control to show up... I NEVER HURT MY LITTLE ONES...I NEVER HAVE HURT ANY LIVING THING... These people have messed with me for the full 9 yrs..I have done nothing to them. I have said to them "if you got a problem about something you can always talk to me about it or leave a note" When I have had disagreements I remained civil with the people,..I volunteer at the food bank and shovel snow around the whole property all winter, I help out my neirbors, I mind my own buzyness...I never complained about anyone or thing. exspet one time when my friend was being verbally attacked. I stood up for her and told the office I have had enuff of the bulling that goes on around here... I CAN"T WAIT TO MOVE ...

Trurth ,You People CAN'T Handel the TRUTH‏

I had a whole lot to write about...but NoW it's blocked out by my Emotional over ride...I hate that ..I have had it all my life. And since my life had remained the same hellish x-si-tence ( damn even my spelling goes..n it's not that I AM STOOPID..I just get BLOCKED) Thanks to m@ther F#kers that get off abusing people.
If I told about my life no one would believe me..Alotta people chose not to believe the unimaginable abuse that goes on cuz their scare of THE TRUTH..and DON"T wanna UNDERSTAND what I have had to and still live with everyday and what I get back more abuse...I get the Isolate the freak treatment. I lose friends if they find out...Mainly cuz they can;t handel it or they think I might be a buren to them down the road... TRUTH IS..... I HAVE NEVER BEEN OR WILL EVER BE A BURDEN.. And it's not like I go around talking about it.. I open up abit when I think it's ok and safe to...THEN get a smack that is not ok to.But it's ok for you asshole out there to just say it's all in my head..or I am just fucked in the head...I have NEVER viewed anyone that way EVER..
I get acuzes of lie-ing, or lookin for attention...or looking for an excuse to get by in life,...like I want life to be handed to just becuz I went through hell.... TRUTH IS I AM NOT LOOKING FOR LIFE TO HAND ME ANYTHING...I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW MY HELL....I DON'T HAVE EXCUSES...I HAVE REASONS ...AND THERE ARE TOO MANY TIMES I STILL FEEL ASHAMED...EMBARASSED.HATE MYSELF CUZ I CAN'T MOVE ON QUICK ENUFF..
I was born in to a world of violence that was covered up by lies. My first real love realiships where lies. my friendships untrue, my neirbors are blind , cops lie and like to abuse, landlords break your basic right to pricy, NOTHING WAS TRUE...I WAS ...I WAS... I WAS...and it hurts like hell that I always have to go through this shit with assholes again and again...Lie after lie, mind fu@k after mind fu@k..and my basic human rights to a safe,pricy allowed home is broken...OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN...AND THE TRUTH IS I AM STILL THE SAME TRUE PERSON I ALWAYS WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE...AND YOU CAN FUCKING HATE ME FOR IT...CUZ TRUTH IS YOUR A LIAR THAT CAN'T CHANGE...
You have to belittle me, and mock me, lie about, stretch abit of truth with alotta lies CUZ you DON"T like me OR understand me...I have one question to ask...how can you judge something or someone YOU DON"T KNOW YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND ( or don't understand what they went through or going through) You are so quick to judge and open your lie-ing mouth ..DO YOU FEEL BETTER KNOWING YOUR ADDING TO MY SUFFERING...DO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE CONTROL IN YOUR LIFE NOW cuz you think you have controlled mine ?
I HAVE TREATED YOU FAIRLY AND WITH RESPECT and I TRY sooooooo hard not to hate YOU yeah YOU...and just the shit ya do ..I hate your shit..your good of making others believe it to...CUZ TRUTH IS NO ONE HAS THEIR OWN MIND ....Just a bunch of follow 'em around and lick up their crumbs... I UNDERSTAND YOU AND YOU MAKE ME SICK ...lol...CUZ IF anyone should be a selfish bully that loves to lie cuz of what ever fucked up reason IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME...TRUTH IS I RATHER NOT LIVE ON THIS EARTH IF I TURNED INTO THAT...IF I TURNED IN TO YOU~!
DEAL WITH YOU ...cuz soon YOU will get back what you put out...through away, bully, despise, and lie about ....
I KNOW I am misunderstood...and it's eazyer for people to treat me like shit and a joke...
It's been like that all my life and I will always get that treatment...BUT yOUR NOT GONNA TAKE ME INTO YOUR TWIST where I LOSE MYSELF... I don't care what I have to sacrifice in order to remain who I am... I am NOT scarifying ME.. I rather remain poor, exhausted and alone with the loved ones I have left then be YOU~! Or let you win ~!

SOLITUDE SOUL

STOOD HERE SO MANY TIME MISUNDERSTOOD
NOW MISUNDERSTANDING
GUILED HANDS FROM BIRTH
I CAN NOT FEEL
DEATH SHOULD BE AS COLD
IF I SO DESIRE
DRIVEN AWAY FROM ANY CONNCECTION
I BROKE A COMMANDMENT TO FIND UNITY
SOUL CRIES OUT FOR SOMETHING NOT BORN
SO MANY TIMES I DREAMT HERE
SO ELUSIVE TO THE TOUCH OF MY ANGEL'S WINGS
DO NOT RESCUE ME NOW
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED I MUST HAVE LOST
ANEW MY LIFE AT ANY COST
INTANGIABLE DESIRE LEAVE MY LIPS
WHISPER ONLY IN SECRET UNTO THE WIND
LET MY VOICE SPEAK ONLY TO THE EARS OF ONE
WHO ANSWERED BEFORE I SPOKE
CALM MY SOLICTOUSNESS
GRANT ME SOLIDARITY
MY SOUL IN RUIN
MY PATH REVOKE
INTERVENE MY ANGELIC MATERFAMILIAS
FAVOR ME IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR ARMS
LET ME LIE STILL IN YOUR KNOWLEDGE
CHATTER MY THOUGHTS
GUIDE ME BACK TO WHERE I STOOD A SOLITUDE SOUL.......
WRITTEN FEB 27 2002 BY SODA SOULE