free flow writing- disconnect‏

I need to disconnect from : My MIND-Spin.....Every mind fu@k that has been chattering inside and outside my head.... ( shut-up assholes).......My train tracks....every trax leads to the main one ....( I want on the crazy express quick)......My memory...always negative choking out the positive .....( I need more positive).....My environment... Asylum Is my home....My panic...Nothing changes. I have tried ~!...( you can't change the evil world)...My fear....ENOUGH...I can't take more...don't you get it.. I need privacy, space...leave me alone..My distrust (mistrust)....OH YOU KNOW WHY.......My loss...OH YOU KNOW WHY....My pain...every single f@ckin time...every time...f@ck you..enuff I can't ..WHAT ................I'm numb for now...leave me alone..................
My urge to keep spinning too close to the edge..... ( WHat's the mater WoRlD you don't think I can FloAt) ha ha ha~ ..........QUICK Blasphemy ...-n- BAM...what...I yell at God I yelled..." You know me you know .....my soul ,
You know what makes me move,
You know what I am about,
You seem to know it all,
You don't listen, ...
You send the transparent carrot... in front of my cart
everyone can view ...
You wanna pull it ?
You wanna answer me?
Do you really see me,
feel me,
listen to me ?
Answer me and send me a sign.
Talk to me.
I only ask for piece of mind...Peace of MIND.." AND BAM... I stop my rant. A night pass...I feel the same...........I grab my broken cd and walkman and head to the wine store.
I feel & fight my stress,strain,spin---please stop.
All I do is walk...............
...........forcefully walk cuz BODY does remember...
mind's yelling. people staring..
Fear starts when I go to a friendly source__
(fu#k me, you can't win...errrrrrrrrrrrrr..
I get into the store. have a chat, a laugh..(it's like as nothing has happened, is what they can see) Oh god I hope they don't see the stress-look) ......Then walk back into hell ... nothings stopping it. Not even my insane attempt to "amuse" myself with the annoyance of my broken cd...... Stopped into the bar ..bought 5 smokes for a buck. walked BACK INTO HELL...
UNTIL I hit the alleyway .............. 'SMACK'I'm listening to a song .
that's PLAYING FULLY through, .. The wind picks up, the lighting seem like a video...Every perfectly Nature - Rhythm to my soundtrax... Even when I sat down to "adjust" my mind...song still played through...the nature elements timed perfectly and one huge part of me was disconnected... And connected on a level (you shouldn't share unless you wanna be locked-up)

I've had my "video" moments in the past ...but not like that....(God or whatever is up there needs to workin on lightin'...LOL..) ... OH , ....OK SO... there we go. ......a connection that works. But ......DUH ...doh...Why DO I have to be reminded of " that" and still SPIN-TOSS-TURN-SPIN.............SO IT's STILL BACK TO..

Just fight

Just being me

Just feeling my Soul

surrounded by demons chewin and gnawing at it---

Just bare with it

Just fight back

Just share

Just reach out

Just keep fighting...

Can't settle...

Can't keep Still...

Can't get out what I want ....at this moment,

so get it out anyways.......

Don't let it rob me from the comforts I do get...

THEIR MINE...

Don't let'em steal the last part of my chacter.

.( that they want)...

(probly cuz they don't pay their cable bills...they like to view and vocalize....

They can't make me lose control..

I won't give into the BULLSHIT.I HAVE HAD ENUFF,

I WON'T GIVE IN.

I WON'T STOP. BEING ME..

.I won't stop that SPIN."

I sit

I wait

I listen,

Is it "me" I "hear"...

I know it's ME I feel underneath...

I lie down...

I spin-toss-turn...

Is it "me" that is f@cking Me..

IT's "me" I can fu@k underneath..

I sit-up

I spin,

I yell.."Leave me alone"I KNOW IT'S YOU

And the "me" that spins underneath

and underneath that's ME

....I stand-up..

I yell out....................

I feel my control from the ME that's within the underneath ..that doesn't spin....

I sit down---I stand up...I move out of my grave into the day..

.is it ME that's walking?

Cuz I'm spinning and the ME underneath is exhausted , numb and silent....

WAKE UP STOOPID...STOP THE SPIN...

Only angels dig deep

and awake apart of my Soul...that's left breathing....

apart of me I can't feel,

I can't reach,

Stop the spin----

stop the mind f@ck...

I can fu#king spin myself better If I wanted to.

STOP the SPIN..

Only Angels can numb my senses, shut out the wOrLd, ...

cradle what's left of apart of "me".

That's left of apart of ME....my Soul....So fu@kin stop the spin..............

Fine...fine. fine... I'll just use it as a WEAPON....ANGELS guide my SOUL..... photos by soda soule

and Karen Stever ones I messed with cuz she rocks and wanna say Thank U Karen for being cool...No one has ever came as far as you did...That I know...and still can kick-ass and be human ~! http://www.myspace.com/stevermusicrocks

COME SEE WHAT'S UNDER MY SHELL

I uploaded photos yesterday on facebook and myspace of my Turtle. Who has more LOVE -n- Soul then any one I know or knew. I said under one photo "Know what's under this guy's shell ? LOVE-N-Soul What under yours"
It reminded me about the time I was being stalked. I was stalked from one township to the City. I went from being homeless-n-stalked to living in a poor,drug rundown area of the City. I just moved in to my place. It was a bachelor apartment in a house.
One day I went out to the "drop-Inn" for something to eat,hang out with my new friends , played guitar and tried learning piano. I came home to a book of matches left on my gymnasium mats.(that I used as a bed and drew on). On the cover of the matchbook was a cartoonish lookin turtle, with the words "Come see what's under our shell"
The woman and her friends had found my new livin' place. They watched for when I'd leave my place and when I came back. They talked their shit in "ear shot " of the house. Loud enough for others to hear.
I said nothing, I did nothing to them. I tried talking with a conceller. I tried talking with selected friends. I tried talking with the cops.
But I got the attitude of "Yeah,right" or "Just ignore it" I can't ignore it when their in my home when I'm not. And when I am home and their underneath me in the vacant apartment below. Smoking their smokes and having a good laugh.
I was their si-cod-ic chew toy. That woman wanted to "teach me a lesson, cuz in her eyes I wasn't who I said I was. (She got and earful from a hateful source.) They knew nothing about me except what they read from my journals & what they "listened in on" and judged me from a source who didn't even know me from my abusive past to my abuse then experiences I went through.
I played music, I wasn't ever really good that at it. But I had passion with lack of not knowing what I was doin...On a shitty-crap-ass guitar & when I went out to get a lesson ..it was a mind fuck..so I said fuck that.
I had low self-worth.

But I didn't care if if sucked when I could get it somewhat out to what it sounded like what was in my head.
I never had schooling or had a guitar forever through-out those years when I first started to play. So it was on and off ...till I had one too play everyday and it got vandalized when I wasn't home. So it never stayed in tune.
Mother fuckers said I had excuses and just couldn't play. and that music wasn'
t in me.
I was their fuckin joke.
To the world she's all that. passionate, caring human being ..with family, friends and a career.
But to me---she was what another asshole person warned my ex about doing to me if I didn't stop my "deep thinkin, day dreaming"
That woman stalker became my worst nightmare.
She came right into my life as my world was being flipped upside down. by other people and other things. And stayed awhile. Made her friends and left me holding her matches.

I KNOW WHAT'S UNDER HER SHELL...
I KNOW WHAT'S UNDER MINE too....

Under her shell is the me that she seen to "seek and destroy". She really hates my guts.
She has DENIAL ..of the secret,that she only said with her friends and YELLED at me.
She is a COWARD, cuz she never faced me face to face. Just drove by, stayed in her car, hid around corners and lurked out in the dark.
She is a MANIPULATOR...She made friends with people who could easily be malniputalted ( drug users, poor, abusive-mind,power thirsty, success seeking types).
She is a controller & self centred with a bad temper.
She always has to be up in front.
She always needs to get her way.
She good to those that kiss her ass or gives her what she wants.
She's si-cod-ic & evil minded ...
Even when I was homeless .. I seen she and heard her.
Even when I was suicidal and yelled at her "Just leave me alone..I can't take it"
Even when When I was exhausted and needed sleep so bad I would have kissed Death...
Even when I lost everything and lost friends who where family and lost members of my admitted family (who are my animals)
Even when I stopped playing ( by the way I was getting good )
Even when I stop singin , writin ect.... SHE DID NOT STOP. SHE DID NOT CARE....
THEY DID NOT STOP...THEY DID NOT CARE.
She had a point to make... I'm not worthy, I am not who I say I am, I am nothing, I am a dancing faw-sawed.........
Can someone say FUCKIN LUNATIC~!
It was like she was a God over who I was and what kinda life I should be livin'.
If I crossed her by breaking her "commandments" I would suffer the wrath. & everyone in ear shot could hear what a loser I was & wait for the loser to come outta hiding, so they can have a nice view...And she'd set it up like a si-cod-ic ground hog day>>Which side of me would show ...her's or mine. Alotta times it was her side. So no fuckin musical spring for six more si-cod-ic weeks.
Her commandments (in case your weak & targeted and wanna abide or kiss the ass of a deviant god.
1 Do not mention my Name (at all or in vain)
2 Do not put other si-cod-ic gods or si-cod-ic god-likeness before me.
3 Only I can lie (your not worthy of the truth)
4 Only I can steal (what's left in your soul.. cuz you suck, and I just can't see you)
5 Only I can bare false wittiness ( cuz I lack control & need to lead) against your neirbors ( I need the blind, dumb, and bleeding from the ears...cuz I need to lead)
6 Don't think about any other assholes (si-cod-ic adultery is just plan wrong)
7 Don't mess other peoples assholes( I need lead them too)
8 Don't breath a word of this day (Keep it embedded)
9 Since this Day and this Night ...Just be bedded ridden and keep it embedded
10 Remember this always and keep it embedded OR AWAIT MY WRATH...

WHAT'S UNDER MY SHELL

I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
Until your gone

I am not worthy, I am not who I say I am
I am a fuckin lunatic and a fuckin faw-sawed
-I lost everything
-I lost everything-I lost everything
-homeless
-suicidal
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...I CAN'T TAKE THIS
I'M SO EXHAUSTED...
I need sleep so bad I would kiss Death.
I'm your si-codic chew toy
teach me a lesson
stop my deep thinkin/daydreaming
_BE my worst nightmare
-Let me hold your matches....
-Denial
-coward
-manipulator
-controller
-self centred
--bad tempter
-si-cod-ic
-Evil-minded. with a need to leave me hidden within my shell
I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
Until your gone
And there's nothing left but a naked Soul
with rage and control............Soda Soule 2010

WHEN I WAS 19

When I was 19,

I sat to take a thorn out of my hand.

Blood bled from the wound and I wondered if it would heal?

It did, but left a scare.

I faced a woman, I once loved

and she slapped my face,

But it was her tears that fall from my eyes,

And I turned before they fell

When I was alone,

I was 19,

And the woman remains my thorn.

copyright 1996

VISION BLURRED

I don't do drugs anymore...I used ..even the meds the Drs said where good for me, but left me sick and suicidal... I used to do drugs for experimental reasons, for fun and also to escape my hell... No one listened and no one cared at that time in my life.

Three times in a row, three nights in a row I swallowed the whole bottle of anit-drepress meds and then chased it down with a bottle of brandy,shots of whiskey and pitcher after pitcher of beer...Then stumble home to my private unwanted hell ..feelin my stalker watching me and knowing I had absolutely no one in my life who REALLY care. I was alone completely and honestly I didn't wanna be.. Three times I woke up and thought "what the f@ck..... I am alive? ok..I'll go see that DR and tell him what's up"...just sent me home with more pills.....

The fourth time I pushed my fingers down my throat and thought forget it...may-be it's better I am alive, may-be things will change. only 5 pills come up and out...lol..I said f@ck it and chased it once again with drinks... And woke up in the morning and said fu@k it ...I'll live and suffer and that'll be that...may-be things will change. It wasn't that I didn't try. or make changes or didn't give everything I had towards what I did or who I was..

THE FACT IS...I did give it my ALL ..and becuz I can't control human-evil assholes I couldn't do to much and I was always left feelin like a loser and unworthy for anyone to wanna know me.. My new kitty, my music and writing (even thought it sucked) got me through most of it ...other people music/art as well...

I am not THAT WAY anymore ...

Sometimes though that darkness likes to psssssst at me once in awhile.....

And I laugh at it...

Nothing can kill my SOUL..The fu#ked world can f@ck my mind, break my heart and try suffocating my spirit..

But it can't KILL MY SOUL ~!

I Wrote this Jan 24 1997...

"Vision Blurred"

my vision blurred

site of the bottle

swimming in my mind

my mind spinning

wheeling thoughts of those pills

doubling my vision

turning my stomach

spinning my mind

thoughts to go

my vision blurred

site of my bottle

swimming in my mind

wheeling thoughts of those pills

doubling my vision

turning my stomach

spinning my mind

thoughts to go swimming

for that bottled I tossed

and I can't find

from my blurred vision.....

I Wear Your Mind-F@#k Words and Game

All my life since I was 5 .. I have been the same person..I play guitar...you shout @ me! I sing...you shout @ me! I write...you shout @ me! I write ...you shout @ me! I draw...you shout @ me! I pratice acting..you shout @ me! Filming..you shout@ me! Enjoying nature...you shout @ me! When I walk down the street,go visting and I am in my friends home or my own home...sleeping, eating, bathing , haning with my amiditte family (my pets) or my engery muses I admire...you come around and drive by -n- shout @ me or shout @ me from a distance,through floors, walls, ceilings, shower stalls,doors.......You repeat your lines, till people repeat them..u follow me...you plant your evil seed-n-go ! You did (-n- do it) outta HATE.. I AM A HONEST SOUL...A CREATIVE SOUL...you said you woud exspoze me and embrass me to the people I admired -n- will admire...Have you ? I know you did to people I don't know...you were in my home,when I wasn't you read my journals..left me messages...you f//ked with my amiditted family,music,food,drink,smokes, MY MIND...you brought you game around innocent + suffering people ...THAT inrages me !!!!
All I feel is apending doom -n- loss -n- wake-up in the mornings, feeling that...you installed that in me..you are every abusers' vioce... I just want to be left alone-n- create...see what happends...You can't see that, you try to stop me...you yell @ me.."skit-so", "liar" ,"do the dishes","I hate you"', " I am danderously close by","rage is coming","change is coming","I seen your face a 1000 times","why do your  face exspressions change so much ? ", "music is not in you", "pick up", "stoopid bitch", "silly bitch", "we can't see you " ," this is stoopid", "want my life ?", "want my lines?", "tell the turth"..... I do tell the turth...I don't want your lines..I don't want you life...what did you mean by that ? I am not stoopid.... I don't care if you can see me out in the open... I AM ANGRY...I KNOW THE TURTH.. I will FIGHT back...CREATE..Live -n-or die trying....!You said "sort it out..I SAY "IT'S SORTED !!!

Chasing The White Rabbit

Empty and hollow should be my soul,

Apart of me has left me along time ago..
Appears to me like a White Rabbit.
I want to stay in the darkness, I should have stayed in the dark.
Just like I did when I was a child.

I was surrounded by violence and darkness and always locked-away.

But the White Rabbit appears and awakes a state that is unstable, unsatisfied and has been unnourished.
I was ALWAYS locked-away, locked-up,shut-up,locked-out,
and left there in a Mad-Hatter state of mind waiting for the White Rabbit to come back...
"Create-Create...Create.... I am pressed for time..surround me with LOve and UnDersTanDin'..I hAvE BeEn ThRoUgH enough...I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER"
I NEVER WAS GIVIN THAT SURROUNDING.----Unless it was from a selfish One....And it would suffocate my creative breathing.
Suffocates my "Human Being"....and make me wanna chase the White Rabbit, that I seen now outta the corner of my eye...
"Pressed for Time, Where I'm I goin'..I am gonna be late...I need Nourishment now ..not latter when I am numb...I need to feel Love now...not later...when I have had enough and not able to anymore"
My Inner Child IS me...-n- I am always locked-down into a state of child-like wants and needs.
It exhausts me into a dream-like state. Again I see the White Rabbit.

The White Rabbit calls to me,...

becuz I want that part of me to figure out "The Follow"
"Hollow is my Soul. left in the darkness.
Alone and waiting for Time before Time runs out.
I must follow the White Rabbit.
I am also pressed for Time....
I`m suffocating...
and left holding on to a Soul unnourished"