Tuesday, April 20, 2010

VISION BLURRED


I don't do drugs anymore...I used ..even the meds the Drs said where good for me, but left me sick and suicidal... I used to do drugs for experimental reasons, for fun and also to escape my hell... No one listened and no one cared at that time in my life.



Three times in a row, three nights in a row I swallowed the whole bottle of anit-drepress meds and then chased it down with a bottle of brandy,shots of whiskey and pitcher after pitcher of beer...Then stumble home to my private unwanted hell ..feelin my stalker watching me and knowing I had absolutely no one in my life who REALLY care. I was alone completely and honestly I didn't wanna be.. Three times I woke up and thought "what the f@ck..... I am alive? ok..I'll go see that DR and tell him what's up"...just sent me home with more pills.....
The fourth time I pushed my fingers down my throat and thought forget it...may-be it's better I am alive, may-be things will change. only 5 pills come up and out...lol..I said f@ck it and chased it once again with drinks... And woke up in the morning and said fu@k it ...I'll live and suffer and that'll be that...may-be things will change. It wasn't that I didn't try. or make changes or didn't give everything I had towards what I did or who I was..
THE FACT IS...I did give it my ALL ..and becuz I can't control human-evil assholes I couldn't do to much and I was always left feelin like a loser and unworthy for anyone to wanna know me.. My new kitty, my music and writing (even thought it sucked) got me through most of it ...other people music/art as well...
I am not THAT WAY anymore ...
Sometimes though that darkness likes to psssssst at me once in awhile.....
And I laugh at it...
Nothing can kill my SOUL..The fu#ked world can f@ck my mind, break my heart and try suffocating my spirit..
But it can't KILL MY SOUL ~!
I Wrote this Jan 24 1997...
"Vision Blurred"
my vision blurred
site of the bottle
swimming in my mind
my mind spinning
wheeling thoughts of those pills
doubling my vision
turning my stomach
spinning my mind
thoughts to go
my vision blurred
site of my bottle
swimming in my mind
wheeling thoughts of those pills
doubling my vision
turning my stomach
spinning my mind
thoughts to go swimming
for that bottled I tossed
and I can't find
from my blurred vision.....

2 comments:

  1. i so know that feeling
    i've so been there.
    i'm so there still.
    I love you girl..don't give up.
    i'm not.
    xoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love and peace back at ya ~!

    ReplyDelete