Monday, April 26, 2010

COME SEE WHAT'S UNDER MY SHELL


I uploaded photos yesterday on facebook and myspace of my Turtle. Who has more LOVE -n- Soul then any one I know or knew. I said under one photo "Know what's under this guy's shell ? LOVE-N-Soul What under yours"
It reminded me about the time I was being stalked. I was stalked from one township to the City. I went from being homeless-n-stalked to living in a poor,drug rundown area of the City. I just moved in to my place. It was a bachelor apartment in a house.
One day I went out to the "drop-Inn" for something to eat,hang out with my new friends , played guitar and tried learning piano. I came home to a book of matches left on my gymnasium mats.(that I used as a bed and drew on). On the cover of the matchbook was a cartoonish lookin turtle, with the words "Come see what's under our shell"
The woman and her friends had found my new livin' place. They watched for when I'd leave my place and when I came back. They talked their shit in "ear shot " of the house. Loud enough for others to hear.
I said nothing, I did nothing to them. I tried talking with a conceller. I tried talking with selected friends. I tried talking with the cops.
But I got the attitude of "Yeah,right" or "Just ignore it" I can't ignore it when their in my home when I'm not. And when I am home and their underneath me in the vacant apartment below. Smoking their smokes and having a good laugh.
I was their si-cod-ic chew toy. That woman wanted to "teach me a lesson, cuz in her eyes I wasn't who I said I was. (She got and earful from a hateful source.) They knew nothing about me except what they read from my journals & what they "listened in on" and judged me from a source who didn't even know me from my abusive past to my abuse then experiences I went through.
I played music, I wasn't ever really good that at it. But I had passion with lack of not knowing what I was doin...On a shitty-crap-ass guitar & when I went out to get a lesson ..it was a mind fuck..so I said fuck that.
I had low self-worth.


But I didn't care if if sucked when I could get it somewhat out to what it sounded like what was in my head.
I never had schooling or had a guitar forever through-out those years when I first started to play. So it was on and off ...till I had one too play everyday and it got vandalized when I wasn't home. So it never stayed in tune.
Mother fuckers said I had excuses and just couldn't play. and that music wasn'
t in me.
I was their fuckin joke.
To the world she's all that. passionate, caring human being ..with family, friends and a career.
But to me---she was what another asshole person warned my ex about doing to me if I didn't stop my "deep thinkin, day dreaming"
That woman stalker became my worst nightmare.
She came right into my life as my world was being flipped upside down. by other people and other things. And stayed awhile. Made her friends and left me holding her matches.





I KNOW WHAT'S UNDER HER SHELL...
I KNOW WHAT'S UNDER MINE too....


Under her shell is the me that she seen to "seek and destroy". She really hates my guts.
She has DENIAL ..of the secret,that she only said with her friends and YELLED at me.
She is a COWARD, cuz she never faced me face to face. Just drove by, stayed in her car, hid around corners and lurked out in the dark.
She is a MANIPULATOR...She made friends with people who could easily be malniputalted ( drug users, poor, abusive-mind,power thirsty, success seeking types).
She is a controller & self centred with a bad temper.
She always has to be up in front.
She always needs to get her way.
She good to those that kiss her ass or gives her what she wants.
She's si-cod-ic & evil minded ...
Even when I was homeless .. I seen she and heard her.
Even when I was suicidal and yelled at her "Just leave me alone..I can't take it"
Even when When I was exhausted and needed sleep so bad I would have kissed Death...
Even when I lost everything and lost friends who where family and lost members of my admitted family (who are my animals)
Even when I stopped playing ( by the way I was getting good )
Even when I stop singin , writin ect.... SHE DID NOT STOP. SHE DID NOT CARE....
THEY DID NOT STOP...THEY DID NOT CARE.
She had a point to make... I'm not worthy, I am not who I say I am, I am nothing, I am a dancing faw-sawed.........
Can someone say FUCKIN LUNATIC~!
It was like she was a God over who I was and what kinda life I should be livin'.
If I crossed her by breaking her "commandments" I would suffer the wrath. & everyone in ear shot could hear what a loser I was & wait for the loser to come outta hiding, so they can have a nice view...And she'd set it up like a si-cod-ic ground hog day>>Which side of me would show ...her's or mine. Alotta times it was her side. So no fuckin musical spring for six more si-cod-ic weeks.
Her commandments (in case your weak & targeted and wanna abide or kiss the ass of a deviant god.
1 Do not mention my Name (at all or in vain)
2 Do not put other si-cod-ic gods or si-cod-ic god-likeness before me.
3 Only I can lie (your not worthy of the truth)
4 Only I can steal (what's left in your soul.. cuz you suck, and I just can't see you)
5 Only I can bare false wittiness ( cuz I lack control & need to lead) against your neirbors ( I need the blind, dumb, and bleeding from the ears...cuz I need to lead)
6 Don't think about any other assholes (si-cod-ic adultery is just plan wrong)
7 Don't mess other peoples assholes( I need lead them too)
8 Don't breath a word of this day (Keep it embedded)
9 Since this Day and this Night ...Just be bedded ridden and keep it embedded
10 Remember this always and keep it embedded OR AWAIT MY WRATH...



WHAT'S UNDER MY SHELL

I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
Until your gone

I am not worthy, I am not who I say I am
I am a fuckin lunatic and a fuckin faw-sawed
-I lost everything
-I lost everything-I lost everything
-homeless
-suicidal
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE...I CAN'T TAKE THIS
I'M SO EXHAUSTED...
I need sleep so bad I would kiss Death.
I'm your si-codic chew toy
teach me a lesson
stop my deep thinkin/daydreaming
_BE my worst nightmare
-Let me hold your matches....
-Denial
-coward
-manipulator
-controller
-self centred
--bad tempter
-si-cod-ic
-Evil-minded. with a need to leave me hidden within my shell
I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
I AM HIDDEN
Until your gone
And there's nothing left but a naked Soul
with rage and control............Soda Soule 2010

4 comments:

  1. Ah, you can't food me.
    I know what's under your shell...
    A sweet, caring, loving, independent, creative, strong woman. :) You take in every living thing that needs a home or some love, you would bend over backwards for friends. You have a heart of gold.
    xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  2. I see the same in you ...Thanks for your friendship , understan' and love ~! You rock T ~!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I C U, Soda Soule!
    1. You are a precious soul
    2. You are an accomplished artist
    3. You are an animal lover, and care taker
    extraordinaire
    4. You are beautiful, and strong willed
    5. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL FRIEND!!!
    6. ...and this is my personal favorite; you,
    are you... and nobody else; no one can take
    that from you.

    Thanks for giving me a peek; under the shell. ~PEACE & LOVE~ Deb

    ReplyDelete
  4. right back at ya Debs~! thanks for your support and love~!

    ReplyDelete