I sit here not to be inspired.. Inspiration doesn't leave me..Motivation past my demons, is what I struggle with now days. People who were in my life placed me into a hell I can't escape . Circumstances have kept me there. I fight all the time to get past it. It consumes me. Exhausts me. As I write... it erases my words, as I play, it deafens my ears, as I feel it devours my Passions, my Positive Energy... It's not the eye's of the demons I worry about... it's their voice. Shouting, and Shouting and SHOUTING.....I was watching this little mouse from my neribor's balcany. It
came out front a chair that was thrown out to the trash. At frist it looked like the mouse was gonna just go ahead
and look around for some food. But it stopped and ran back under the chair. The mouse con'd to do this for awhile... Why ? What scared it ?....... THE SHADOWS of leafs from the tree above. Man, can I relate to that one. So conditioned
in fear..that all Shadows mean Dooms Day is HERE~!
Instrumental music plays in the background as I sit here on the balcany... Feelin the Wind tryin to bring in the Strom. I wish it would... So it would drive away the chattering voices in the distance. My body cease up every time I hear people talking out there. I really don't what their neagitive mind fuck chatter to start up again. So my body ceases up until my ear send a message to my spining mind that their NOT right now, it's just crap~chatter.... nothing to do with me I know it's only WORDS, But WORDS Can Affect you after awhile... If it's a constant flow it becomes a puddled of insanity I drown in and to a mind that echo demons' voices
its an ocean and an ocean I could drown in. But I chose to swim to the surface once in awhile to breathe and SHOUT My Voice.
The Wind blows in the rain drops one at a time, with alotta time in between with no rain drops from the clouds... That are still collecting... I can relate to that.... And so it sits and starts to state while collecting... (that is comin...it's comin, it's already out there grasping the sky, falling to connect the ground...waiting to be picked back up into the sky again.
I am haunted by my demons , yes... I am also haunted by my OWN Soul and Passions, Sounding in my Head, Painting outside my Eyes, Pulsing my Finger Tips, Beating my Heart.. Filling me up with TOO much sensation to bare. I want to explode in to a fit of RAGE.. Becuz I feel too good on theinside... ready to create and CAN'T outside. Demons block the exit.... Mother Nature and outside Muses enter in. Sure they stay...For now...It's scares me. Not the alone... but the unknown.
All my life I have always gotten to a "PLACE" only to have it ripped from me. And I then , in my Madness ... I Remove the Rest. I place it where I won't reach it. I can't touch it... it's too dark and painful there.
Ever try writing in the dark. I have ... since I was muted by demons... Persistent fuckers. So am I after abit of air.
I am haunted by my neribor/friend's Piano. It sits there calling me
and I feel like the mouse. LOL. SOON I'll be stuck under the chair till it squezzes what's left of my air. I'm STUCK and Pulled in ALL directions that have the same dead end roads. "Sit Here and Be Haunted" Ave. now closed for repairs...."Go Over...What's the Worst That Could Happen" Bridge , is raised for sinking battleships that have to dock for fuel and repairs. LOL... I don't wanna go on a repair trip damn you. and I hate the fact I got my free air miles
from Ass Wipes and my Cruise trip is cancelled cuz I am sea sick. Fuck me...what a mess~! Good thing I leave this shit inside.......Outside ... my actions are ALL~N~NONE to do with my War~!
I'll get past this, it'll take awhile I have alotta whinding roads to hitch hike down. If I didn't "FB Motel", "Myspace Hotel" it or "Neirborhood Hello Drive Thru" it..
for some priceless loving along the way I'd be lost on this road trip for too long awhile. Yeah I could do it alone, and do most of the time , But it's good to collect some Light, Love and Postive Engery flow before I go back in... So I Am Going Back In.....
It's later in the evening now and that mouse came back. Stood under the light..then it shot into the fences's shadow before runnin to the fence. Man makes me think how long is it gonna be till I at least head to the fence.... Then what side do I get off on. Fuck it. It's at least a balance I can use. Fear of Shadows on my left, Shadows of that Fear on my right and a well lit fence right in the middle.............
It's just the Tress wrestling with the Wind. Why can I convince myself of that, while the Shadows playfully change shape. It's the Sun's Light that Inspired them to Dance.
The heat got to me... a mouse reflected my inner battle. Scared of Leaf Shadow Monsters that seem to mock the mouse's Fear, by dancing around and closing in. Run and hide, I always did...till dark and my eyes could trick my mind into believing the Shadows are not there anymore.
Weird to be stuck on a fence. Most people could move off the fence. But I can't for some reason. I just can't. I still see the Shadow in the dark, Feel the Shadows.... I know that's all they are....But the demons won't let me come out and play within them. That's why I wanna stay on my well lit fence.
See the Shadows of the Tress to the left, the Fence Shadow to the right....Try to convince myself of one side first, see there's no reason to fear...Right~? I think may~be the Fence Shadow is the side to hop over to....easier to explain,easier to admit, easier to sort out...easier ...that's all~
.I really can't see past this ....can I..I know I can't feel past it~!!!
I could day dream and wake ~up broken hearted, disappointed. And have echoing laughter in my head.
INSANITY FITS RIGHT WHEN YA GET A GOOD LAUGH AT IT~!
it's just Shadows right, playin, dancing in the darkness.... Stop laughing..........
Over head of the fence ... a spider has streamed a a thread of web....Great.... while sitting here on my well lit fence..
.. My eyes just can't stop the urge to follow the thread of another fear...To the web.... It's not the Web of Fears Collectively anymore... it's the the Fear of that damn Spider who spun it. The Web ..it clings to the light on the light post.....Trappin insects brave enuff to fly over and take a look. Damn you Moth, for getting stuck in the Web..... I don't wanna relate to this moment as you remain STILL in the Web....hummmmmm May~be it senses the Spider close by....Smart Move...for now...What if your wrong~? ~! Well if your wrong... at least ya had a a good flight. LOL. And I had a good laugh at the Insanity of Choices and Fate..
Oh ..here comes another Moth....loves the Light~! Spider's are smart to Web around Light. Yeah that's right Moth fly around and up and down the post towards the light, into the Web... Are ya gonna get stuck there too~?! Are ya gonna stay Still like the other one~?~! ... I never stay Still ...I don't know how..... I rather take my chances and struggle out... then to figure out Stillness at this moment in Time. Come and get me Mr. Charlette .
Oh ...That was a close call...That Moth is Brave ...its bouncing off the Light, weaving in~n~out of the Web... I have tried that from time to time...then got stuck and eaten alive. But ya know, I wanna try again sometime, just not at this moment . Just can't yet.
The Moth just flew around in an air~shape infinity symbol shape...hummmmm that's interesting and fucked~up at the same time. Here comes the laugh at the Insanity Moment...and get ready for a flight pattern that symbolizes no end.
Hey....oh where oh where, did that little Moth go? Its not stuck in the Web~?! Damn it, I mean, wow how did that Moth do it.
My eyes see another new thread that links to the Web...it's gonna be a long entertaining night for tht greedy Spider . And quite the feeding frenzy in the early morning's rush. Something just might come by and destroy that Web. Or not.
Go ahead and rush...get your fill. Hope ya don't choke on it. LOL
Ok...enuff of that and back to the well lit fence....
The Shadows of the Fence is not so bad. The Shadows that dance on the other side of the of the Fence are resting. May-be now I can convince myself there's nothing to fear. With everything in collective for thought,... in collective form...Do I have enuff to convince myself~?~! Con~vince...sounding that word out points out the negative in that word. CON, I don't CON myself into anything...that's why I am slow goin...Makes it a Positive word once it made me realize that I at least got a SOUND Hold on THAT. Can I now do that with Fear~? It's a good waiting room view for awhile. Till your spun~sick. I learn alot from Fear.and not all of Fear stops me from much. Just holds me back and I am stuck on hold with it on it's what matter the most, that is intangled in an Inner War, an Outter War and a Waiting War.
Odds are always tipping the scale and when I try to even it out I tip to odds in the same fashion. I don't mean to . I just get too paralysed...till I realize . Realizing is one thing...and it's also a Step. If I place my foot on the Step, I am closer to my Fear~Free Clearance Sale...Every Fear must go....OK.... I am ahead of myself. But it's great to imagine at least the Clearance Sale~!
So Collective Thought,Collective Form, One foot on the Step and see what happens, while demons echo and I sustain laughing at the Insanity........ moments at a time ....LOL... Soda Soda Aug 3-4 2010