Friday, January 7, 2011

WhatEver, It's Just Mind Chattering~

What If I can't get over my fears~? It just makes me feel like a loser~
What if I can't stop the feelings of eyes on me from assholes~? (they stare , then do horrible things) Am I gonna lose my mind, never to return~?
What if I do move from this Asylum ~N~ I never feel safe Or somewhat sane cuz I just can't~?
What if I get conditioned down by these assholes ~N~ lose myself all together...? My FEARS are real, I day dream nightmares to work out my reality... what I am left with IS my Hellish Reality when I stop daydreamin' nightmares to work out my Hellish existence.
I have to wait becuz I don't have a choice to move from here, it is outta my control~.. been here before too many times. The world has not been kind. I have always been hated, from my dad,mom,brother,lovers,friends.... you think by now hate would stop at just words, "ok ya said it now move on"...Hateful actions happen still, leavin me angry ~N~ unsettled. I lose patience, I have too much fear eating away ..Doesn't mean I don't stand my ground. I do. I have done it in silence N I have Raged it out... I hate feelin UNSAFE...leads to unsure, leads me backed in a corner, Makes me wanna bite the hand slappin me. I grow up with violence, I never want to be around it again, I never wanna lose my cool, have my control lost. But I will have to do , what I gotta do...N that poor dumb~ass hateful Soul will pay the learnin price that ya can't push a Human BEING to the edge, let all a corner. I have been civil ~n~ tolerant enuf.

I can't ROCK OUT like I used to, like I want to, I can't CREATE on any level like I used to,like I want to ~N~ it's KILLIN me slowly...Having my Critter Family,n small acts of caring from REAL Souls never met, have slowed done the process. I am alone cuz the WORLD is JUDGMENTAL...people come close to me n leave....cuz I am poor (but I take care of myself ALWAYS) cuz I am not successful ( My Muses I hold close, but I can't break outta my torment yet. I don't think it's any of anyone's business. If they know, I be turn into their jokes n then the feeding frenzy begins on my Soul)
I live a second at a time, cuz their all I have to hold in a sane manner. I am too used of too much crap happening all at once. The small good things are a few minutes at a time~n~ far in between the crap~ n that's the truth, it really is like that. Then I have hours of walking in a daze, waiting for Hell to drop the other shoe.
What I need is to feel safe again, fuck sane for now I have to stay here, (I'll worry about that latter)Yes I have been targeted, victimize,n get to stay in a spun out mind~set...Conveniently I can't control this mornin..Yes I lost loved ones, ended friendships,lost control of my temper n yelled n hit the wall ( I was alone when I did that, I have respect for people, I would never show them my anger unless they meant me harm) yes, NO creative projects got done, yes mind fuck chatter games still happen, yes my place is unsafe, yes I am hated..YES~YES~YES~....
~n~ Yes I have Love n compassion from a distance,Nature connection,Creative want,Creative desire (just don't know how with alotta it, just try to do whatever I can so I don't Die here.. Nothing soothes me more then Music n other Creations, then it's Nature n Compassionate Love from a distance)...My mind is too exhausted, I can't focus anymore on writing....I am in fear to sleep....All I can do is keep fighting..~n~fighting~N~ FIGHTING~ Soda Soule jan.7 2011~

1 comment:

  1. You are the greatest fighter I have ever known Soule Sis! In a world where people can not or will not understand you; I do. I have not lived your torment, but I have lived mine. I want SO much to be able to reach you. Not to entrap you, and never to cage you... only to set you free from your waking nightmare. I love you. I wish I could do more than that.